As a dad to two great girls and a husband to a wonderful woman, I am the sole testosterone dominate being in my house. I’m not sure if being surrounded by feminine energy boosts my testosterone or lowers it but I do think it’s made me a better man. While I have a male dog in the home, he’s neutered and so it’s just me in a sea of estrogen, learning to balance my neanderthal male instincts with the nurturing essence that I encounter on a daily basis. Being a dad of girls is not only good for me but it creates an excellent opportunity to aid my daughters’ healthy development too.
The Thing About Being a Maan!
Being a maan (pronounced in a deep, elongated growl) often leads to overt displays of testosterone in the form of a Rocky Balboa scene or the attempt to embody a Chuck Norris meme. I mean Clint Eastwood was a favorite actor of mine growing up and he would basically, go silent and stare through iron to get things done. Even a man’s man could do well to redirect some testosterone and get rid of that extra ‘a’ in maan.
Being a dad of girls doesn’t mean you can’t like UFC or use power tools. You can still grow a lumberjack beard and lift weights but you don’t need to tell everyone how much you pressed (I’ve watched my wife’s eyes glaze over when I have). In fact, lifting weights and sharing a love for strengthening your physical self might be even more important if you have daughters. Read Milo of Croton’s Guide to Being a Strong Parent for more on this.
When my first daughter was born, I became inspired to be a good provider and protector. That translated into working really hard at a job that didn’t fulfill me just to make good money. Noble, maybe. Shortsighted, I think so. After catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror one day, out of breath from a climb up the stairs, I had a wake-up call.
The time had come to get back in shape for a few reasons:
- Live longer and better by being healthier so I could share in, experience and support my daughters’ lives.
- Be an example of the importance of self-care and the value of a physical practice.
- Be more confident, at ease and happy so I could role model the type of man my daughters’ should accept into their personal lives.
- Have the capability to play with and enjoy my daughters as children and not run out of steam.
I got back in shape and have spent many years now playing with my kids, teaching them sports and keeping up with their boundless energy.
Physical strength is not the only area of resilience that has been worthwhile to cultivate. My daughters need more than just a dad that can press them overhead and beat them in a race.
True Strength
True strength transcends the physical. That’s right, it includes emotional, mental, and even, spiritual (whatever that means to you) strength.
Emotional Strength for Dads
When I say emotional strength, I’m not talking about the kind that’s associated with those stereotypical men of the 50’s and before. You know the guys that couldn’t talk about their feelings, cry or be vulnerable. I’m talking about a man that can be honest about how he feels and still be confident that that doesn’t make him less of a man. I know my daughters need to see that. It will serve our relationship well as they grow through their teenage years and into adults.
On the other side of the coin, emotional strength also means not falling apart when times are rough or stress and pressure are all around. Life can be hard and one of the best things a dad of girls can impart on his daughters is emotional resilience (without denial). Finding gratitude, being present and holding onto optimism in the toughest times is a testament to emotional strength.
This kind of strength also blends with mental strength.
Mental Strength for Dads
You don’t have to lose your manhood to live with the strength of some legendary men. Think of the Stoics, like Marcus Aurelius, philosophers, like Socrates, or even rock’n’rollers, like The Who’s frontman, Roger Daltry, who all were examples of admirable masculinity that didn’t require guns blazing and defiant arrogance (at least, not that I know of).
These kind of men were strong, admirable and wise and yet, they remained humble. Aurelius recognized the strength in the forgiveness of his enemies. Socrates knew he knew nothing. Daltry, in Tommy, epitomized a man that could embrace his feminine side and use compassion to lift others.
Whatever tower of intellect or self-mastery these kinds of men have, they don’t regard it as something that allows them to exploit others. They are teachers and this is the bottom line when it comes to mental strength – as a dad of girls, I am a teacher. If I am truly strong, one day the student will surpass the teacher.
Spiritual Strength for Dads
I don’t care whether you are religious or an atheist, people need a connection to something more – community, ancestors, nature, god, the universe, whatever. Without deep connections and a sense of belonging, people feel a void. A void leads to a slippery slope where things that don’t offer that connection and meaning are chased after in vain.
I’m not looking to recruit or convert anyone but having a connection to something bigger and sharing with your kids why this connection nourishes you can go a long way to creating a healthy perspective for them. Knowing that there is purpose or meaning in life can be the fuel that pulls them through tough times, that feeds a confidence, optimism, and kindness. All these are great character traits that lead to living a better life.
Regardless of your affiliation, the Golden Rule, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is something we all would do well to embrace. It’s also found in just about every belief system.
Being a Dad of Girls
No matter how maan-like my instincts were as a teenager and 20-something when my daughters came along, something changed. Daughters both soften you and strengthen you. They gently pierce your heart and melt it into a puddle of tenderness. They also fortify your will to be exemplary as a role model for the men that they will allow in their life going forward.
A dad of girls has the tricky task of being strong in the ways outlined above but also being soft enough to be approachable. I never want my daughters to be shy, timid or afraid of telling me something. I also want them to know I will support them, in all the most important ways, but also motivate them to be independent and grow into strong, capable women.
It’s easy to slip into the habit of treating daddy’s little girl like a princess but I don’t think this serves them in the long run – unless they become warrior princesses. I don’t plan on influencing them to be mean, bruisers but I do want them to handle themselves in an often unkind world. Being resilient doesn’t have to eliminate being kind.
My girls do karate and gymnastics. They ski, hike and camp. They wrestle with each other and me. But, they also dance, sing, do art, wear dresses (at least, sometimes) and read about princesses. They are proud of their callouses but also like their hair to look good. And I’m proud to be able to do their hair and thrilled if they let me do it.
Knowing How to Sing
It’s not enough to be strong. Being free and communicative enough to sing, to dance, and to be silly, offers something so much more than being just a consistent stable parental guide. As I mentioned above, I strive to achieve a tricky balance and one of the best things to keep this balance is fun.
Being able and willing to play like a kid with my daughters goes a long way to forging great bonds and keeping a comfortable relationship going. Playing at their level is not always easy or what I’m jumping up to do but it almost always results in lasting memories, squeals of delight and an immediate and deep connection. Laughter is my cue that things are going well.
I’m not a good singer and my voice is pretty raw but singing in front of my kids shows them that passion and a joy for life are independent of what others think. Knowing how to sing is not about being a trained, or even good, singer. It’s about being yourself and role modeling that for them too.
What’s Ahead for a Dad of Girls
I have to admit my girls are not teenagers yet. Yikes! Things are likely going to change. There will be new challenges and I will certainly mess up but I have faith that coming from a place of balance, strength (the yin-yang kind), laughter, humility, openness and of course, love, will yield to a healthy relationship with my kids and support them in becoming the marvelous women and human beings I know they can be.
In some ways, it doesn’t matter if I’m a dad of girls or a mom of boys. As a parent, we would do well to strive (imperfectly) to balance between the masculine and feminine, yin and yang, strength and sensitivity, leading and following. We will make mistakes and be teased by the feeling of regret but I think if we lead with our hearts and believe in our kids, we will ultimately achieve some measure of peace as a parent.
Dad of Girls Poetry
Khalil Gibran said it best in The Prophet:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
Being a dad of girls is the same. 😉
